Episode 96: Overcoming the Fear of Being Alone

Ever felt that twinge of discomfort at the thought of dining alone or exploring a new city by yourself? That fear of solitude—of facing both the external world and your internal thoughts without companions—is exactly what this episode tackles head-on.

Drawing from my own transformative journey that began in 2012 after leaving a mentally abusive relationship, I share how solo travel became my pathway back to myself when I no longer knew who I was. That first solo trip changed everything, leading me to create One Girl Travel and this very podcast where I now help others embrace their independence.

The discomfort of being alone isn't something to avoid—it's a growth opportunity waiting to be seized. Throughout this episode, I break down the barriers that keep us dependent on others: societal conditioning that labels solo activities as "strange" or "unsafe," the fear of judgment that reflects others' insecurities rather than your reality, and the overthinking that creates worst-case scenarios before you've even begun.

The magic happens when you reframe solitude as self-discovery and confidence practice. Each solo experience becomes evidence of your capability, slowly building an unshakeable foundation of self-assurance. I offer practical steps to build your "solo confidence muscle"—starting small with local activities before progressing to bigger adventures, choosing activities you genuinely enjoy, journaling about your thoughts and feelings, and celebrating every victory along the way.

Ready to make the world your playground? Join my Solo Travel Social Club on Substack for monthly live calls, resource guides, and a community that supports your independent spirit. Because once you discover the joy of your own company, you'll never again let amazing opportunities pass you by while waiting for someone to join you.

The Solo Traveler Social Club: https://onegirltravel.substack.com/

If you enjoyed this episode of the One Girl Travel Podcast, then I invite you to follow me on Instagram. That's where all the fun is happening! @ONE_GIRL_TRAVEL

Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/one_girl_travel/

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Solo Travel Journey
• 1:53 Understanding Fear of Being Alone
• 4:20 Breaking Social Conditioning
• 6:10 Overcoming Judgment and Overthinking
• 9:01 Reframing Alone Time as Growth
• 13:25 Actionable Steps for Solo Confidence
• 18:40 Closing Thoughts and Invitation

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the One Girl Travel Podcast, episode number 96.

Speaker 2: 0:05

Welcome to the One Girl Travel Podcast, your passport to the world of solo travel with certified life and travel coach, alessia Tenebruso. Join Alessia as she shares her own journey of self-discovery through solo travel, while also focusing on topics such as life coaching insights and travel tips along the way. Now here's your host, alessia.

Speaker 1: 0:29

Tenebruso. Hey everybody, welcome to episode number 96 of the One Girl Travel Podcast. Today, I want to talk to you about something that I'm sure we have all felt at least once in our lives, and it's that discomfort of being alone being alone physically by yourself, being alone with your own thoughts, being alone where you might not know anybody, and overcoming that fear of being alone. So, if you're new here, hi. I'm Alessia Tenebruso. I'm the owner of One Girl Travel and I have been solo traveling since 2012 as a means to rediscover who I am as a person. I had gotten out of a mentally abusive relationship and I no longer knew who I was anymore, so I decided to do the thing that scared me the most, which was solo travel, and ever since that first solo trip, it has completely changed my life and has brought me here today with you on this podcast and with One Girl Travel, where I help you feel comfortable and confident, going after your dreams and not waiting on anybody else to join you. So, whether it's solo travel, starting that business, showing up on social media, I got you. So let's get started with today's topic of overcoming the fear of being alone and how to really enjoy your own company. Now, I know I have many episodes on these topics, but it is so important and I feel like, as people who are in partnerships or they're caretakers or even employees, they're focused so much on what they can do for others and the focus really isn't on them and their needs. And when you put yourself in a position to travel alone or be just with yourself, even if it's for a night or an hour, it can feel uncomfortable if you're not used to it or if you haven't done it in a while, you can feel guilt, you can feel just uneasiness, you can feel scared, because our own thoughts sometimes are the harshest critics. It's not coming from other people, it's coming from our own brains and that's something that we can fix. And when you do course correct on those thoughts that don't serve you, it is going to shift everything and it is going to really help you enjoy your own company, because you're supporting yourself and you're encouraging yourself and you have your own back. So let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 3:04

So my first question I want to ask you is why are you afraid of being by yourself? What is the fear there that is stopping you from taking the solo trip or the overnight stay or just taking yourself out for dinner, because there are a lot of outside influences that can really just wreak havoc on our brains and our thoughts and prevent us from going out and doing those things. Because we hear it from other people, and social conditioning is one of the big ones. We're always told that it's safer to be with a group, or that you look lonely or you don't have any friends if you're by yourself, or it's just weird, especially for women to be sitting at a bar by herself or sitting at a restaurant by herself. Society tells us that it's not a good look, and you know, if you're familiar with me, you know I love breaking society's expectations of myself. Personally, I like to really just push the envelope and go after the things I want, even if it's not the social norm. And I think breaking that conditioning, that society tells us it's not good for you to be by yourself is just bullshit and it's time to embrace your own company. It's time to have your own back. It's time to love being with yourself, because then there's no limits on your life, you can go out and do anything you want and not wait on anybody. So in reality, it's freedom and society's expectations and what they think are social norms are just keeping us playing small and scared. So hopefully, by the end of this episode you are going to feel compelled to break that and go sit at a restaurant by yourself or book that solo trip, because it's time to show up in your life and embrace your life and do the things that you want to do, even if society tells us it's not a good idea.

Speaker 1: 5:00

The next thing that goes along with societal norms is the fear of judgment. When we're doing something that society is telling us isn't right. We fear judgment from others because everybody's heads have been hearing the same things over and over again about not being by yourself and how you should be with others and how it's more fun with more people and whatever. But the fear of judgment is basically other people's fears that they are projecting on you. If somebody tells you, oh my gosh, aren't you just so embarrassed sitting there by yourself at the restaurant? Or, oh my gosh, isn't it so dangerous to go on that trip by yourself and whatever else, they're going to tell you that's their own personal fears. It is not on you, it is not a reflection of you. What you're doing is putting that reflection right back on them and they are projecting their own insecurities and fears around what you're doing because it scares them and maybe they want to do it, but they've let fear hold them back.

Speaker 1: 6:06

So, when it comes to judgment of others, honestly, people are going to judge you, no matter what. You can't control that. You cannot control what other people think, say, do whatever. All that you can control is yourself, your thoughts, your actions, your boundaries. And if you feel like the people in your life are judging you, then maybe it's time to put up those boundaries where you're protecting your own peace, where you're going after your goals and not listening to the naysayers. You have to protect yourself from people holding you back and, honestly, other people can't hold you back, but you can allow your thoughts about the other people hold you back. Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness in life. It is nobody else's fault. Nobody is holding you back. You just have to allow the fear of judgment to just go in the back of your head and just be okay with the fact that, yes, people are. You're living your life. They're not living your life. They're not paying your bills, they're not going to the doctor and getting blood tests for you. It's your life. You get to do what you want with it. So just the fear of judgment. It's going to take time to overcome that, but it is possible and once you break those chains again it just feels like freedom to wear what you want, to do what you want, to start what you want and not worry about what other people think.

Speaker 1: 7:37

The next one is something I know I have been guilty of in the past. It's overthinking situations, overthinking of all the things that could go wrong if you decide to take that solo trip or if you decide to go somewhere by yourself. The overthinking can really prevent you from moving forward and taking action on your goals. So, instead of overthinking, instead of making up these false narratives that don't even exist yet, why not think about all the things that can go right? Think about the best case scenario what could happen if you step outside your comfort zone and try something new or go somewhere by yourself? Think of all of that. Don't let just the overthinking and the fear build up so much that it's stopping you from doing what you want to do. And again, all of these things, they don't just go away overnight. They take time. Like anything else, spending time by yourself is a muscle you have to flex over and over and over again to get easier. So just keep doing it. It's going to feel uncomfortable at first, but just keep doing it and it's going to get easier and more enjoyable.

Speaker 1: 8:51

So, now that we covered the fears that hold us back from enjoying our own company and being alone, now let's talk about reframing the thoughts around alone time. Instead of thinking about spending time by yourself or going on a solo trip or just being alone as scary or intimidating, allow yourself to reframe that and think of it as opportunities for growth. I feel like after every single one of my solo trips or times I spent by myself even if it's an overnight trip or just sitting alone at a restaurant I grow, I expand as a person, I get back to myself, I am recharging my soul because I'm doing something just for me, not for anybody else. This is just for me, and that recharge can just shift everything. Maybe you're a burnt out parent and you haven't had a moment to yourself in God knows how long. Go take yourself out to the movies. Go take yourself out to lunch whatever you can get away with in your schedule, or make it that much of a priority that you're actually putting it in your schedule, where you are undisturbed and you can take that time for yourself, because it's truly going to recharge what you need in that moment and just putting all that love and energy into yourself.

Speaker 1: 10:16

The next way you can reframe alone time is time for self-discovery. So I love taking solo trips and doing something I've never done before on those trips because, like I said, it's a recharge, it's room for growth, it's about experimenting and trying new things and when you really get to rediscover who you are because maybe you're doing something you haven't done in a really long time, or maybe you're doing something you've always wanted to do but never allowed yourself to do you're learning about yourself Because we are always evolving, our interests are changing, but when you just spend that time on your own and focus your energy on yourself, that's time back, where you get to just embrace who you are and what your soul desires and all the things that you want to do, and you are going to learn a lot about yourself. Even navigating a new city by yourself is going to teach you so much about how you handle situations, how you overcome any distractions or roadblocks in your way and how you can find the evidence of how capable you are when you're doing something new or for the first time or for the first time in a long time, and then you can reframe alone time as confidence practice. I can honestly say that who I am today, I feel very confident with who I am because I know exactly who I am. And that took work, that took a lot of trips by myself, a lot of challenges for myself, but it happened.

Speaker 1: 11:56

Because when I first started this journey in 2012, I was not confident. I had no self-love. I felt like a shell of who I was and I needed to rediscover that. And I found my confidence by proving to myself that I am capable, that I can do hard things, that I can overcome challenges, that I am awesome and I have my own back. That's where becoming your own best friend comes in, because you're learning how to enjoy your own company and to support yourself, and that confidence is going to come over time. As you practice Again, you're flexing that muscle to just grow your confidence with yourself, because you're proving to yourself all the things that you could do that maybe you didn't think you were able to do. You're pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and a whole new world is unlocking for you and as soon as you see that you're able to do it, that confidence is going to grow and you are going to become unstoppable.

Speaker 1: 13:01

So if spending time alone feels like the most uncomfortable thing in the world for you, maybe you are just not used to spending time by yourself. Maybe you've always relied on other people to accompany you and join you. This is a perfect opportunity to start practicing and overcome that fear of being alone, and I'm going to give you a few action steps to get you started. My first action step to feeling comfortable spending time by yourself is starting small, and I tell all my clients this it's about taking little turtle steps in the direction you want to move in. So if your goal is to take a solo trip in Europe, I recommend, if you are not used to spending time by yourself, going to a local cafe and sitting down, being present and just sit with your thoughts and a great cup of coffee or whatever your beverage choice is. Just sit there and pay attention to your thoughts, pay attention to the people around you, maybe strike up a conversation with somebody if you feel inclined, but just sit there and then, once you do that, then maybe take yourself out to lunch, take yourself to the movies, take yourself out to dinner, go for an overnight stay in a local hotel. Then build yourself up to that European solo trip. But just start small, start practicing, get those reps in so you feel more and more comfortable.

Speaker 1: 14:30

The next action tip is to do things that you enjoy. Put it on your calendar, plan activities that you enjoy that maybe you haven't had time to do for yourself. Maybe you always wanted to take a cooking class, or maybe you wanted to go to that art exhibit in the museum and nobody else wants to go with you. Or that concert, whatever it is that you feel pulled to do, but you've been waiting on somebody else to do it with you. Or that concert, whatever it is that you feel pulled to do, but you've been waiting on somebody else to do it with you. Book it now. I love going to concerts by myself. I love going to movies by myself, because you're not talking to anybody anyway, right. When you're in places like that, it doesn't matter if you're alone or not. You go and you're enjoying the moment. It's not up to other people to keep you occupied and entertained. You show up and you make the best of it and you create this magical memory for yourself because you're doing something that you've wanted to do and you're doing it with yourself, you're treating yourself out, you're treating yourself to this activity or this outing or this vacation, whatever it is, and it feels really good.

Speaker 1: 15:40

The next actionable step is to journal how you're feeling when you're out doing these things by yourself or you're taking time to be alone. Journal what thoughts come up for you, what triggered those thoughts, and then also pay attention to are those thoughts serving you, or are they maybe not the nicest of thoughts? Maybe those thoughts are keeping you small and they're holding you back. Then how can you reframe them? How can you change that thought around to make it something that is more in the positive direction? That's going to encourage you, but it also feels true, and again, that goes with baby steps. You need to just shift your thoughts a tiny bit and move it into the direction that you want to go in, while still making it true.

Speaker 1: 16:29

So let me put it together in an example for you. So let's say you are out to lunch by yourself. You feel so uncomfortable and your thought is everybody is looking at me. I feel so stupid right now, and I feel like I have had that thought in the past when dining by myself, and I write that down Now. Does that thought serve me? That everybody's looking at me and I feel so dumb right now? No, that does not serve me. That's going to make me feel bad. That's going to make me not want to go out and do it again. So then, what's a new thought that I can choose? That still feels true, that's still accurate, but it's going to allow me to keep moving forward on my goal.

Speaker 1: 17:12

So a different thought could be I am sitting at this restaurant by myself. People are looking at me. Maybe I'm inspiring them to eat by themselves, because, honestly, you don't know what people are thinking. People could be looking at you with admiration, and I personally found that to be true. The conversations I've had with people that I felt like were looking at me at a restaurant was more of like I wish I can do that. I get the. I wish I was. Do that. I get the. I wish I was that brave. Everybody's brave enough to do that. Everybody should be brave enough to sit by themselves at a table. Like we expect other people to take us out on dates or take us out to dinner, like you should be treating yourself the same way and you should be enjoying your own company as well.

Speaker 1: 17:53

And then, finally, the last actionable step I have for you is to celebrate it. Celebrate the times that you spend by yourself. Acknowledge that you did something that felt scary, but you survived. You did it. Write down what you learned from it and what you're excited about trying next Again. When you celebrate yourself, you are being your own advocate, your biggest cheerleader, because we have to be the ones to celebrate ourselves. It's nice when other people acknowledge our progress, our successes, but honestly, it's not their responsibility. It's our own responsibility. So make notes and celebrate the things that you're doing that felt scary and now you're doing it and you're moving forward.

Speaker 1: 18:39

So I hope today's podcast episode inspires you to spend more time by yourself, because it truly is the best gift that you can give to yourself, because you're giving yourself the world. You're literally able to make the world your playground, and that is so exciting. So if you're interested in more solo travel tips, or you want to talk more about solo travel and maybe you have a trip in progress or maybe you're planning your upcoming solo trip join me on Substack at the Solo Travel Social Club. When you're a member of the Solo Travel Social Club, you're going to get a monthly live call with me in a group setting. You're going to get all of my resource guides, my travel tips, my solo travel tips, all the things, plus a great community, and we're just there to hang out and talk about travel. So I hope you join me. You can find the link in show notes. And until next time, my friends, I'll see you next week. Bye, and until next time, my friends, I'll see you next week, bye.

Speaker 2: 19:38

Thanks so much for tuning in to this episode of the One Girl Travel Podcast. If you're enjoying the show, please feel free to rate, subscribe and leave a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. You can find out more about your host on our website, onegirltravelcom, or follow her on Instagram, facebook, pinterest and TikTok. Thanks again for tuning in and we'll catch you in the next episode.